10 Ideas to Improve Your Intimacy

Last week, I introduced you to my friend Jay Stringer and gave an overview of his work, specifically his book, Unwanted. That podcast was just an introduction to a more interesting conversation that Jay and I had in episode 2 (Apple or Spotify).

After listening to Jay train our counselors for five hours, record two podcasts, and speak to 500 people at our Marriage One Night, there are several key takeaways that I’m still thinking about:

1. We often sexualize our wounds.

   There is a clear connection between our unmet needs (both as children and adults) and our sexual activity. Our ignorance of this connection becomes a roadblock to healing. It also causes us to think our behavior is random and without explanation.

2. The greatest threat to a child is the unprocessed life of a parent.

   I’ve long said two of the most important questions in life are—who am I and how did I become me? When we fail to consider those questions, it has a negative impact not only on us but also on our children.

3. The Bedroom is the loudest room in the house.

   Because of the previous two points, we get this point. A lot is going on in the bedroom, most of which we never pay attention to. And we wonder why couples struggle with intimacy.

4. Jesus and porn both go after our hearts.

   Maybe the latter as always been true, but it’s especially true in modern culture where so much is defined by our sexuality. Understanding the battle for our hearts (and which of these brings our hearts alive) is a vital step toward emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

5. Notice the moment you began to condemn your sexual desires.

   Understanding when shame began to be associated with desire is a vital moment in time. In most instances, there is a connection with an authority figure making us feel that shame. Recognizing this moment can help us begin to reconstruct a healthy viewpoint.

6. We often pursue behaviors that confirm our core beliefs.

   This was a fascinating idea from Jay. We often assume that it’s our behavior that causes shame, but Jay shows it’s often our shame that causes bad behavior. When we have written a negative story about ourselves, we will do things that confirm that story.

7. We can never become too sexual for God.

   God created us to be sexual beings. We can never be too human. There are sexual behaviors that are outside of God’s design, but the sexual aspect of who we are should flourish rather than be repressed.

8. Criticism and contempt erode intimacy. Become curious.

   The path toward healing is found, not by shaming others, but in each of us becoming curious about who we are and why we desire what we do. As we discover our sexual story, we can better walk toward life and healing.

9. Every person carries both a sexual accelerator and a sexual brake—understanding these can transform intimacy.

   In our Marriage Assessment, one of the lowest scores in the area of communication regarding sex in marriage. When couples can’t talk to each other about what they like and dislike, they have very little chance of experiencing a meaningful sex life.

10. You cannot have meaningful intimacy without both partners feeling valued and understood in their sexual desires.

    Again, it’s about curiosity. Rather than criticizing ourselves or our partners, we should seek to understand why we have specific desires. Then we can explore healthy ways to experience those desires.

These ideas and more appear in this week’s episode of Change the Odds the Podcast.

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For more about intimacy and vulnerability, watch this video which is part of our Becoming Friends, Partners & Lovers small group material.