2021 Marriage Challenge Day 16

Day 16: Love Listens    

"When we honestly and intently listen to one another--not to debate them but to understand them--we are loving them." (Fearless Families, pg. 123)Do you love your spouse? Few people would hesitate to answer that question. Do you listen to your spouse? That leads to a different response. Yet we can't love one another unless we listen to each other. Few things make us feel seen and understood as much as someone else listening to us. When our voices go unheard and our concerns unseen, we rightly feel unloved. I doubt any meaningful relationship begins with bad listening. When we first start dating, we hang on every word. As love grows we can hear our lover's voice above all others. But as time passes, kids come along, and work demands increase, it becomes very easy to stop listening. We assume we know what the other believes or thinks and we simply stop listening to one another.Yet recognize what we are doing. We aren't just failing to listen; we are failing to love. Honestly and intently. That's what we need to do. To listen with honesty means we genuinely are seeking the opinion of the other. We want to understand them. People change. Don't assume you automatically know the opinion of your spouse. Take time to ask them what they think. Do so with intention. Make a conscious choice to give your husband/wife your full attention. If your spouse listens well, thank them. If you don't feel heard, find a way to communicate to them so the two of you can work on listening better. 

Listening and respect go hand in hand. We listen to those we respect. Here are four words that make me feel most respected. Gently say these to your spouse and your relationship will improve.   

Question of the Day

My husband has a history of watching porn. After catching him before, I thought he had stopped but I just found it again. What should we do?

Answer: View pornography like any other addiction--alcohol, drugs, etc. When it happens the first time, communicate the destructive nature and set proper boundaries. If it's not an addiction, the person can stop on their own. If it happens again, a different strategy is needed. When a person compulsively engages in destructive behavior, that is addiction. Then help needs to be sought and accountability increased. Whether that is professional counseling or group work through Celebrate Recovery, the problem needs to be addressed. It's not a matter of guilt or shame. Instead, it's an issue of need. If the person can't stop on their own, they need help. The behavior should not be minimized, downplayed, or ignored.  

Questions?

I am not a professional marriage counselor and do not pretend to be. However, if you need help over the next month, don't be afraid to reach out. I can help point you in the right direction. Also, if you have a question, just reply to this email and I might include it in tomorrow's message. I won't use your name or tell your spouse you asked the question.