2021 Marriage Challenge Day 19

Day 19: Go First    

"When conflict arises, we need to be the first to do the right thing." (Fearless Families, pg. 209)Competition in marriage can be a good thing. At times, it is bad. When a couple competes for attention or control, it can wreak havoc in the relationship. Yet there is a time in which we should compete with our spouse. Being the first to take action or do the right thing should be an ongoing competition. We should continually seek to outdo the other in love, service, and showing honor. The couple who can compete over the right things will have a significant relationship. Those who compete over the wrong things will struggle.Here are four places you should seek to go first. Be the first to:

• Break the Silence. Someone has to say something. Go first. Apologize. Name the tension. Seek a way forward.

• Change. Learn a new skill. Grow in an area. Become something different. 

• Forgive. Don't deny the the hurt, but work a process to move past it. 

• Act. The only way for things to change is for someone to act. Be the first to do so.

In a relationship where both parties are racing to be the first to do the right thing, to serve one another, and to show honor, competition becomes a strength. When we are competing in bad ways, the race becomes a hindrance to our growth. Go first. What's one thing you could do first today? 

While today is about going first, it will help motivate you to go first by remembering that one day there will be a last. As a pastor, I have seen the last kiss more times than I can count. Consider this article. 

Question of the Day

We have adult children from previous marriages. What do we do if they are causing trouble in our marriage? 

Answer: A key with any adult children, but especially adult children from another marriage, is drawing strong boundaries. Ideally, everyone would get along and be for one another. Yet sometimes the ideal does not happen. When that's the case, you need to encourage your spouse to have a strong relationship with their child while also having strong boundaries for your relationship. Trouble most often occurs when there are not clear divisions between what belongs to the couple and what the adult children influence. For example, the finances belong solely to the couple. Adult children have no say in how their parents and his/her spouse spend money. Likewise, parents should not be involved in the finances of their adult children. Yet when that boundary is crossed, tensions arise. Sometimes it is difficult to draw boundaries yourself. In that case, get professional help to develop a workable agreement.   

Questions?

I am not a professional marriage counselor and do not pretend to be. However, if you need help over the next month, don't be afraid to reach out. I can help point you in the right direction. Also, if you have a question, just reply to this email and I might include it in tomorrow's message. I won't use your name or tell your spouse you asked the question.