2021 Marriage Challenge Day 23

Day 23: Cracks in the Foundation    

"An absence of integrity will eventually reveal itself." (Fearless Families, pg. 154)As a pastor, I deal with grief on a daily basis. During the pandemic, it's felt like an hourly basis. As families navigate difficult circumstances some bind together in deep love and support, while others splinter apart in blame and hurt. As it happens, I find myself saying "grief reveals every crack in the foundation." When things are going well, it's easy to ignore problems--an inability to communicate, ignoring past hurt, overlooking obvious struggles, etc. Yet when grief shows up the weight of sorrow presses down on the foundation of the relationship and every crack is revealed.  Grief is one of the guarantees of life. No one bypasses hurt and sorrow. So our choice is two-fold: we can either wait until the hardest times of our lives to be forced to deal with problems in our relationships or we can be proactive and deal with them now so that when tough times hit we will be in a stronger position.Most choose the former, but they are foolish to do so. It takes faith and wisdom to confront weaknesses in times when we aren't experiencing the negative consequences of those problems. Yet it is well worth doing so. If your foundation isn't strong, every crack will eventually be revealed. It will happen either when you are trying to hold up great grief or struggle and can't because of a weak foundation. Or, it will happen when you willfully choose to do the work because you know it is the wise thing to do.So what do you need to strengthen? No couple is perfect. What's one area in which you could grow?Take my three roles of a good spouse--Friends, Partners & Lovers--and pick one area in which you would like to grow. Talk about it with your spouse.  

For most couples, the best way they can strengthen their marriage in order to endure future events is by reinvesting in their friendship. A strong friendship can endure nearly anything. Read this article to see ways in which you can rejuvenate your friendship with your spouse.  

Question of the Day

How do you communicate problems to your spouse without them becoming defensive? I want a better marriage but feel stuck. 

Answer: First, you aren't in charge of whether your spouse gets defensive or not. That's not something you can control. However, you are wise in considering what is the best way to communicate so that you give them a chance to hear. One thought--why did you get married? What caused you to fall in love? Why not start there? Tell your spouse about why you love them, recall the good times, and then simply state that you want more of that. You desire to have more of those good times and one way to do that is to work on the issue you see as a problem. I can't guarantee that your spouse will respond in a positive way, but they will be more likely to do so than if you start by just stating the problem.  

Questions?

I am not a professional marriage counselor and do not pretend to be. However, if you need help over the next month, don't be afraid to reach out. I can help point you in the right direction. Also, if you have a question, just reply to this email and I might include it in tomorrow's message. I won't use your name or tell your spouse you asked the question.