2021 Marriage Challenge Day 3

Day 3: Choose One--Love or Fear 

It sounds overly dramatic, but it's true--you can't love and fear at the same time. If the two were simply feelings, it would be possible. Yet when we consider these two things as actions, the choice becomes clear. You can choose an action based on love or based on fear, but you can't do both. "We cannot truly love when we're afraid, because we cannot look beyond our own selfish desires to see to the well-being of the ones we're supposed to love." (Fearless Families, pg. 23) Fear turns inward whereas love is focused outward. So let's consider--where is your focus? And secondly, what impact is your marriage having--is it pushing you more toward love or fear?Marriage, in part, was designed to draw us out of fear and move us toward love. We learn with one another to recognize our anxieties but then put them aside in order to make a decision based on love. The problem is that "too often, instead of marriage dispelling fear, fear poisons a marriage." (Fearless Families, pg. 35) The relationship becomes fear's source rather than its salve.We need to create relationships full of compassion, empathy, grace, and understanding so that we can identify and express our fears without any sense of rejection or manipulation. But then we must have the resolve and support to make choices based on love. Find some time today to talk about how fear expresses itself in your relationship. Identify one choice you are making based on fear rather than love.          

Many people wrongly assume that a good marriage is always easy. It is not. Marriage is supposed to be hard, in part, because of the main issue addressed in this article. Click on the image above and remind yourself of why marriage isn't always easy. 

Question of the Day

What if my spouse spends more time on his/her phone or social media rather than communicating with me?

Answer: First, recognize the source of this problem. It's fear. Technology can easily be used as a way to hide from true intimacy. Rather than getting angry about it, feel empathy. Consider why he/she might be afraid. But don't confuse empathy for ignoring the situation. This is a problem that must be confronted. Communicate your feelings and work on a plan for better communication. One simple suggestion--at a certain point every day, phones should be off-limits. When are those times? What are the expectations? Create time in which the two of you can communicate without distractions. If you struggle to do so, call a counselor and have them assist with the issue. (For more, see this article: Love Your Wife More Than Your Phone)   

Questions?

I am not a professional marriage counselor and do not pretend to be. However, if you need help over the next month, don't be afraid to reach out. I can help point you in the right direction. Also, if you have a question, just reply to this email and I might include it in tomorrow's message. I won't use your name or tell your spouse you asked the question.