2021 Marriage Challenge Day 4

Day 4: Safety Could Destroy Your Marriage  

We want our marriage to be a safe place. Home should always be a place we run to, not from. The relationship between husbands and wives is meant to be one where we don't fear manipulation, rejection, coercion, physical or emotional threats.How safe is your marriage? If it's not safe, something is wrong.Yet, safety can threaten our relationship. While we need to create a safe space for one another, idolizing safety becomes a dangerous pattern. "Overvaluing safety empowers and excuses us to avoid intimacy and love," Fearless Families, pg. 53.The fact is, love is risky. It requires vulnerability. It opens us up to the possibility of rejection or failure. Yet we need to love anyway. So what do we do? We pursue safety without idolizing it. We create a safe space for our spouse while recognizing we must take risks. We choose love over safety. Yes, safety is important, but love is more important. And love requires a vulnerability that will never feel fully safe.This is true in every aspect of marriage, but may be best illustrated in the bedroom. We need safety to open ourselves to another and share the fullness of who we are. Yet no matter the level of safety, risks will still be required for true intimacy to occur.While both love and safety are important, love must take priority. "When we focus primarily on love rather than safety, we often get both. But when we fixate on safety at the expense of love, we often get neither." (Fearless Families, pg. 59)         

One of the most asked questions I receive at marriage conferences is "What is off-limits in bed?" This is a question that goes to safety and respect. I answer it here. Click the image above. 

Question of the Day

What if my wife has failed to hit orgasm no matter what I have tried to do? 

Answer: A few thoughts: 1. Sexual intimacy is probably the least likely issue where couples seek professional help, yet might be one of the easiest areas to get results. Don't be afraid to go see a marriage counselor about this topic. 2. Orgasm is not something we produce for the other person. It's something we assist with, but don't cause. The question isn't what you are doing wrong, but how can both of you create a climate for full satisfaction. 3. I would suggest talking about it with each other, agreeing to make this a process you will try to figure out, and then read, seek help, and practice. For more, see the book Passionate Marriage.    

Questions?

I am not a professional marriage counselor and do not pretend to be. However, if you need help over the next month, don't be afraid to reach out. I can help point you in the right direction. Also, if you have a question, just reply to this email and I might include it in tomorrow's message. I won't use your name or tell your spouse you asked the question.