2021 Marriage Challenge Day 8

Day 8: Learn to Trust  

"Trust forces us to engage when we want to run, to confront when we want to hide, and to keep working at it when we want to give up." (Fearless Families, pg. 140)Who doesn't want those things in their marriage? Imagine a relationship where you actively engage one another on important issues, tackle tough issues together, and never grow weary of doing what is right. This is what trust can bring to a marriage and why trust is a non-negotiable for a happy relationship.The difficulty is that trust takes time to produce and can be lost with one careless act. This is why we must continually be building trust and always guarding against anything that could erode the faith we have in one another.When we consider the three roles of a spouse--Friends, Partners & Lovers--trust is about friendship. We trust our friends. We should trust our spouses. If trust is not present, that is a red flag that something is wrong.Yet where trust is present, the possibilities for the relationship are endless. Consider this--every word or action in a marriage is either building trust or eroding it. Every single one. When we prioritize trust, we begin to act in trustworthy ways.The difficult news--you can't have a satisfying marriage without trust. The good news--even if trust is destroyed, it can be rebuilt. Work today to be trustworthy with your spouse.      

Trust includes a variety of things but here are three specific places we must trust one another. Are any of these missing in your relationship? If so, why? If not, thank your spouse for being trustworthy.    

Question of the Day

What should I do if my spouse won't respect the boundaries in our relationship? Mistakes (alcohol consumption) have been made, counseling sought, forgiveness given, but she/he keeps repeating the pattern of behavior.  

Answer: Notice the main issue here--lack of trust. How can you trust someone if they keep engaging in bad behavior? Whether it be inappropriate texting, drinking too much, gambling, or whatever the issue the main problem is that inappropriate behavior has been recognized but it continues. To me, more counseling needs to be sought and the consequences to this behavior needs to be created. My guess is that the person/couple is doing enough work to solve the initial tension from the bad choices, but not enough work to really get to the root of why the behavior is being chosen. In this case, where the issue is alcohol, both partners should stop drinking. If one can't control their alcohol, they should stop engaging. The spouse, in support of their husband/wife, should abstain as well.     

Questions?

I am not a professional marriage counselor and do not pretend to be. However, if you need help over the next month, don't be afraid to reach out. I can help point you in the right direction. Also, if you have a question, just reply to this email and I might include it in tomorrow's message. I won't use your name or tell your spouse you asked the question.