A Fight That's In Her Head (and a new job announcement for me)

Some of the most painful fights in a marriage don’t start out loud. They start quietly, internally, and long before a single word is spoken.

She’s thinking about what hasn’t been said, what hasn’t been repaired, and what still feels unresolved. She’s replaying moments, recounting disappointments, and having conversations in her head that never actually happened in real life. Meanwhile, he’s going about his day completely unaware that a conflict is already underway. By the time the tension finally surfaces, the fight has been happening for days inside her.

That dynamic came up in a powerful way in our latest episode of the Change the Odds Podcast.

A wife wrote in describing growing tension around intimacy. Valentine’s Day is approaching, and she already feels disconnected and hurt. He, on the other hand, is hoping that physical closeness might help them reconnect. What makes the situation so painful isn’t just the difference in expectations; it’s that she is already bracing for a fight he doesn’t even know he was in.

This is incredibly common, especially when avoidant and anxious attachment styles collide. One partner withdraws to protect their emotions, while the other moves closer out of fear of losing connection. She feels pressured and misunderstood. He feels rejected and unwanted. Both are hurting, but neither feels safe enough to name what’s really happening underneath the surface.

What makes these situations so difficult is that the fight isn’t actually about sex or even about a specific holiday. It’s about deeper fears and longings that haven’t been brought into the open. She’s thinking, “Why would you want closeness when we’re not okay?” He’s wondering, “If we can’t even connect, how bad is our relationship really?” Those questions are rarely spoken, but they shape everything that follows.

In the episode, we talk about why these internal fights are so damaging, how resentment builds without words, and what it looks like to move the conflict out of your head and onto the table, leading to repair rather than distance. We also explore why “no” can feel like total rejection for one partner, how secure couples handle disconnection differently, and one simple shift that can change the emotional climate of a relationship.

If you’ve ever felt exhausted by a fight your spouse didn’t even know existed yet, I think this conversation will help you make sense of what’s happening—and give you language for a better way forward.

🎧 You can listen to the full episode HERE.

Why Have One Job When You Can Have Two?

For the past four and a half years, I’ve served as the Married Life Pastor at Bayside Granite Bay. It’s been great fun waking up every day and thinking about how to make marriages in California better (and that’s great job security).

This weekend, I’m going to add another job to my weekly schedule. While I will remain the Global Married Life Pastor across the ten locations at Bayside, I’ll also become the Lead Campus Pastor at Bayside Adventure.

This is a campus with a great history and an important future. Not only does it include the largest Christian school in the greater Sacramento area, but it’s also a vital church that sits at the second-most-important intersection in the state’s capital region.

It should be a fun season.

We just got back from our marriage retreat in Palm Springs. It was a blast connecting with 55 couples and talking about Love Styles. Please continue to spread the word (and leave a review).

Also, if you have a group or church interested in a marriage night or retreat, respond to this email.

P.S. If you’re newer to this newsletter, welcome. I’m Kevin Thompson. I’ve been married to my wife Jenny for over 20 years, and we play marriage experts on the internet while at home we have a real, loving, impefect relationship.

I write, teach, and podcast about marriage and relationships because I believe understanding why we do what we do is often the first step toward real change. If this email was helpful, feel free to forward it to someone you care about and if you want to explore more, you can find my books, podcast, and resources at changetheodds.com.