Why Communication Is Not Your Problem

Outside of adultery, it’s the primary problem that leads people to my office. It is the most often stated issue when I ask couples what they want to improve. It’s the topic that even the best couples admit they don’t have right.

The issue is communication.

Nearly every couple I know believes they have communication problems. And without a doubt, we all have stories of times we have miscommunicated, under-communicated, or failed to communicate.

This is why thirty years ago, if someone like me were putting on a marriage conference, the number one issue would be communication. The thought three decades ago was that communication was the key to marital success. So books were written, seminars were presented, and couples were trained on how to communicate. And what happened? The divorce rate went unchanged.

Why?

It’s because while the experts were well-intended, their conclusions were not fully indicative of the truth. It’s accurate that good communication helps a relationship, and bad communication hurts it. But the difference between the two is not skill. It’s something altogether different.

Two Forms of Communication

Communication in marriage can be divided into two forms—draining and charging. Every conversation has the potential of draining our relationship of connection or charging the connection between us. Not every communication has these effects, but everyone has the potential of either of these outcomes.

When we fail to communicate well, we drain our relationship. Energy is gone. Connection is destroyed. And love becomes more difficult. Yet when we charge the relationship, we inject energy, create connection, and make love easier.

The task is simple—decrease draining communication and increase charging communication.

Draining Communication

When conversation lowers our energy, connection, and love, it is draining. We’ve all had disagreements, fights, or conversations that left us tired, isolated and hurt. While these conversations can be about various topics or in various settings, they all share some common characteristics.

Draining communication is:

Defensive. Rather than seeking to understand the other or make our views known, we attempt to defend what we have done or who we are. The problem with defensive communication is that it never works. When one seeks to defend themselves, it baits the other into either defending themself or prosecuting the other. Either way, the focus is taken off the issue at hand and placed on the people.

Reactive. Rather than directing the conversation productively, we react to one another. This escalates communication in hostility, snarkiness, selfishness, etc. The danger of reacting in conversation is that control is lost. We lose our sense of agency, and communication goes in the least productive path.

Avoidant. Poor communication evades the fundamental topics. Rather than saying hard things to one another, we say harsh things about each other. Those harsh words are a cover. The avoidant behavior leaves problems unresolved and makes it more likely for fights to repeat.

Invalidates. Draining conversations denies the experience, emotions, and personhood of the other. We invalidate their opinions, stories, and perspectives. Rather than leaving people seen, it leaves them feeling unseen and unloved.

Negative. Bad communication is negative. While we must confront the realities of life, even the hardships, we do not have to devolve into pessimism and negativity. Negativity can feel good at the moment, but it never leads to better results or a greater connection.

Shame. The result of humanity’s first sin (and the result of every sin since) was shame. It’s the core sorrow of the human condition. We so fear shame that we often attempt to shame others to cover our shame. When communication devolves into shaming one another, we return to Genesis 3, where Adam and Eve blamed one another and God rather than taking responsibility for their actions.

Don’t Drain

It doesn’t take a degree in psychology to understand that marriage will be better if we can decrease draining communication. Avoiding these six characteristics of conversation would radically change most relationships.

And many people can do just that. While everyone occasionally drips into communication that D.R.A.I.N.S., they can consciously choose not to do so. They can charge their relationship with intention, reflection, and effort rather than draining it.

Yet here is what many fail to admit. 50% of the population cannot avoid draining communication. It’s not a lack of desire. It’s not an absence of love. Half the population can’t rid their relationship of draining conversation because they will attempt to protect their hearts by using poor communication when emotionally threatened.

They cannot avoid this behavior despite knowing better and wanting to do better.

Why?

(This is what I’m writing about this month for the Change The Odds Newsletter. While one article per month is free, the other three only go to Premium Subscribers. Try a free 7-Day trial to get the rest of this article which shows the determining factor regarding communication in your relationship. It’s not a matter of skill. It is a matter of something much more profound and often unknown. But it doesn’t have to remain unknown.)

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