He Wants Control, She Wants Connection

Hey friends,

Every week on the podcast, we get real fights sent in: honest, raw moments that every couple faces in some form. And this week’s listener fight hit a nerve in the best way, because it uncovers something sitting at the heart of so many marriages.

A wife wrote in and said, “My husband is old-school. What he says goes. I’m learning about our son’s dysregulation, especially because he’s adopted. Our different parenting styles are creating division.”

If you’re married, you’ve probably lived some version of this. (Anonymously send us your fight HERE)

Different backgrounds, instincts, personalities, etc.

And somewhere between those differences, tension starts to rise.

As I listened, the whole fight distilled into one simple line:

He wants control. She wants connection.

Those two desires sound like polar opposites, but they’re not. In fact, every kid needs both. And every marriage does too.

Why He Leans Toward Control

In most cases, control isn’t coming from a place of selfishness or ego. It often comes from fear—fear that the home will become chaotic, fear that the kids won’t respect boundaries, fear that discipline will disappear. And when fear grows, control often follows.

For a lot of men, control feels like love: “If I keep the rules clear, keep things structured, keep everyone in line, then I’m protecting my family.”

And you know what? There’s something good in that. Structure is love. Clarity is love. Kids need to know the borders so they feel safe.

But structure without softness becomes suffocating. Rules without relationship breed rebellion.

Why She Leans Toward Connection

Connection is often driven by empathy. She sees the emotion behind the behavior, especially with a child navigating adoption and attachment wounds. She knows a child who is dysregulated isn’t being “bad”—they’re overwhelmed. Their nervous system has left the window of tolerance, and they literally cannot reason yet.

To her, connection feels like love:
“If I help him calm down, if I meet him emotionally, if I understand what’s underneath the behavior, he’ll feel safe.”

And she’s right. Kids don’t learn well when they’re flooded. They can’t grow when they’re terrified. They need a steady, relational presence. (Remember the Window of Tolerance)

But connection without boundaries becomes enabling. Compassion without accountability creates entitlement.

The Real Problem: When You Think You Have to Choose

The mistake couples make is believing control and connection are competing goals.

They’re not competing. They’re complementary.

He’s not wrong for wanting structure.
She’s not wrong for wanting connection.

The problem is when we stop letting our spouse influence us.

When he refuses to soften. When she refuses to hold the line.
When each one digs in and insists, “My way is the right way.”

Part of marriage—maybe the hardest part—is admitting this truth:

My way is good, but it’s incomplete.

And that’s where the real breakthrough is.

What Partnership Looks Like in Parenting

In a healthy marriage, the goal isn’t control vs. connection. The goal is control influenced by connection and connection supported by clarity.

If he allows her influence, his leadership becomes gentler, more relational, more attuned.

If she allows his influence, her compassion becomes stronger, wiser, more grounded.

I said it on the podcast, and I’ll say it again here:

The issue is partnership. That was the struggle of the couple on the podcast who sent us their fight. They didn’t see it that way, but it’s obvious.

When you and your spouse are each fighting for your way, you are missing something significant.

Partnership means both strengths—his structure and her empathy—come together to create something neither could build alone. (See Friends, Partners & Lovers)

A Question for You This Week

In your marriage, which one do you lean toward—control or connection?

Where could you be more open to your spouse’s influence?

What might happen if you stopped arguing over who’s “right” and instead asked:

“What does love look like right now?”

Sometimes it’s your way.
Sometimes it’s theirs.
Often, it’s a third way you only discover together.

And when you start leaning toward each other instead of away from each other?

That’s when you really begin to change the odds.

Blessings,
Kevin