When Your Marriage Feels Stuck

June 16, 2015

When in proper rhythm, it is the perfect combination. It gives the relationship movement. The couple is never stuck; they are continually in motion.

When in the wrong rhythm, it is frustrating. Movement grinds to a halt, momentum is lost, and each spouse is looking at the other wondering what is wrong.

Marriage has a rhythm. Both husbands and wives have roles to play. When executed well, the marriage thrives. When roles are ignored, the marriage struggles.

While there is more to marriage than just these two things, the presence of pursuit and seduction are vital to a healthy marriage.

Husbands are to pursue their wives. They are to use their strength to chase after the heart of their wives.

Nearly every relationship begins with a man pursuing after a woman. He seeks her attention, her phone number, a first date, a first kiss, and eventually her hand in marriage.

Men were created to pursue. It’s in our nature to fight for the things we desire. When channeled in the right way, it is one of the great gifts of masculinity. When directed at the wrong things, our nature can destroy everything around us. (See: This Is the Kind of Husband I Want to Be)

This pursuit shouldn’t end at the altar; it should end at the grave. A man should only stop pursuing his wife’s heart whenever his heart or her heart gives out.

Wives are to seduce their husbands. They are to use their beauty (not just physical beauty but beauty in mind, soul, and body) to draw their husband to them.

Women do this consciously and subconsciously as a relationship begins. They flash their eyes, linger their smile, and use a subtle touch to draw a man to them. A woman’s attention can be intoxicating to a man. (See: If I Could Tell Wives One Thing)

This seduction should not stop when a ring is placed on her finger. She should continue to lure her man with who she is. She should draw him in.

Pursuit and seduction are about more than just sex. They are about using one’s strengths to meet the needs and desires of our spouse. They are reminders that we were created differently than our spouses and our differences are intended for good.

Unfortunately, what comes so naturally in dating becomes non-existent in many marital relationships. The result is a marriage which feels stuck. Every relationship will have moments of feeling like it is in a rut. Growth is never a steady track upward. However, being stuck is different than a minor plateau. It becomes a continual state. Until someone changes, nothing will change.

The change which often needs to take place is for a husband to once again pursue his wife and for a wife to seduce her husband. I often ask couples who feel stuck, “What did you do when you first started dating?” Both parties will talk about how the man planned a fun evening out, how the woman dressed up, how they flirted with one another, etc. I then say, “It won’t solve everything, but a good start would be to do all those things again.”

The funny thing about pursuit and seduction is that when both are present, they feed off of one another. When a husband pursues his wife and she begins to seduce his heart, he is more likely to pursue her. The struggle is when one spouse tries to do their part and it is not reciprocated. Then they feel as though their effort is in vain.

If you feel as though you cannot pursue or seduce your spouse either because they aren’t worthy of the effort or because it would be of no use, your hesitation is a megaphone announcing a significant problem in the relationship. You need to seek professional help. When you stop trying, you are dying. Get help before the relationship fades away. (See: 13 Questions to Gauge If You Need Marriage Counseling)

Are You Pursuing and Seducing:

A man is not pursuing his wife when the only time he touches her, he does so in hopes of sexual fulfillment.

A woman is not seducing her husband if the only time they have sex is under the covers with the lights out.

A man is not pursuing his wife when he studies his hobbies more than her heart.

A woman is not seducing her husband when she attempts to be seen by her friends but not her husband.

A man is not pursuing his wife when he sacrifices everything for work but nothing for her.

A woman is not seducing her husband when he is always the last thing on her priority list.

When You Feel Stuck, Start Here:

Every marriage goes through seasons in which the relationship plateaus, but a healthy couple does not let the relationship stall in those places. If your marriage feels stuck, do this:

1. Humbly tell your spouse about your feelings.

2. Commit to them that you are going to do your part (either pursue or seduce).

3. Ask them what makes them feel most pursued/seduced by you.

4. Tell them what makes you feel most pursued/seduced. (See: It’s Not My Job to Read Your Mind)

5. Plan another conversation for one week later and review the week.