Why You Struggle to Communicate in Marriage

The way most people know me is as a communicator. Last year I was on a podcast heard by 3 million people. I wrote an article read by 10 million people a few years ago. I’ve published four (soon to be five) books. Nearly every weekend, I’m on stage before a few thousand people.

While communication is most people’s greatest fear, it is one of my great joys, except in one area.

I don’t fear any communication except one. I don’t like to communicate my needs. Often I don’t recognize them. Even when I do, I keep them to myself. And on the rare occasion I mention them, I often downplay them or force others to read between the lines of what I’m saying.

Some might wrongly conclude this is a byproduct of humility based on elevating others and lessening self. But it’s not.

My inability to clearly communicate my needs is actually one of the most unloving things I do. It’s the result of pride, not the absence of it. It’s a fixation on self rather than a focus on others.

While I’ve come a long way, I still regularly struggle to communicate my needs and desires to my wife, family, friends, bosses, and co-workers.

It is the greatest hindrance to the well-being of my closest relationships. And I know why that is.

I also know it’s what’s behind most couples saying their greatest struggle is communication.

Communication isn’t the problem; attachment is. In our closest relationships, communication is dictated by attachment. You can’t change the former until you work on the latter.

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