When He Chases and She Runs

Some fights are dramatic. Others are quiet. But every couple eventually stumbles into one pattern that drains them both.

For one listener couple, that pattern is the classic “pursue–withdraw” cycle. (Anonymously share your fight HERE.)

He described it this way: “I keep pursuing. She keeps pulling away. I get more frustrated. She gets more distant. Eventually, we connect, but it never feels meaningful. Then the whole cycle starts again.”

Simplified:

“He chases. She runs.”

From his perspective, pursuing feels necessary. If he doesn’t initiate conversation, affection, or intimacy, he fears it’ll never happen. Anxious attachment tells him:

“If you don’t chase, you’ll be abandoned.”

So he gets louder, needier, clingier. He does so not because he’s domineering, but because he’s scared. (Listen to the whole conversation on Apple or Spotify.)

From her perspective, running feels necessary too. Her body is overwhelmed, her mind overloaded, her energy depleted. When he moves toward her, it doesn’t feel like love. It feels like pressure. Avoidant attachment tells her:

“If you let him close, you’ll be trapped.”

So she withdraws, not because she doesn’t love him, but because she’s protecting herself.

Both want closeness and peace. But both feel misunderstood.

Here’s the mistake they make:
They assume the answer is to do more of what they’re already doing.

He thinks, “If I don’t pursue harder, she’ll drift.”
She thinks, “If I don’t hold the line, I’ll be swallowed.”

So the chase intensifies and the distance widens. Sadly, the very outcome they wanted to avoid, their actions created. But there is a way out.

For the pursuer, the healing move is counterintuitive:
Stop chasing. Take a step back. Create space.

When he slows down, she feels her breathing return to her chest. The threat level drops. Her body relaxes. Suddenly, she can approach without fear.

For the withdrawer, the healing move is equally counterintuitive:
Lean in. Offer small moments of connection. A touch. A look. A few minutes of conversation.

When she moves toward him, he feels reassured. The fear of abandonment quiets. His nervous system settles. And he no longer needs to chase.

This is what secure attachment looks like. It’s distance without danger, closeness without fear.

So here’s your reflection for the week:

Are you the one chasing, or the one running?
And what would the opposite move look like?

Maybe healing doesn’t start with fixing the fight. Perhaps it starts when the pursuer breathes and the withdrawer reaches.

Because when both partners step out of their protective patterns, they don’t just meet in the middle. They meet in safety.

And that’s how you change the odds.

On Monday, my latest book, Love Styles, launches. Sadly, there is no pre-order available on Amazon. So there is nothing you can do yet. But be assured, I’ll send you a link (and I’ll do it more than once, ha ha). Hopefully, you will buy a copy or two and leave a review on Amazon. I’m excited to watch this project get out into the wild.