Why You Lose It (Even When You Love Them)

The Window of Tolerance can change your family

Author

Kevin A. Thompson
September 03, 2025

Let’s be honest:

You promised you’d stay calm.
You even told yourself, “I won’t blow up this time.”
And then, you lost it.

It’s not because you don’t care. It’s not because you’re weak.
It’s because you got pushed outside your Window of Tolerance.

In our latest episode of Change the Odds: The Podcast, Kevin breaks down:

  • Why conflict flips your brain into survival mode

  • Why your spouse might go silent (and it’s not because they don’t care)

  • How to help your kids regulate when their emotions are too big

  • The one question that can bring anyone back into the moment

🧠 This episode is one of the most practical things you’ll ever hear about marriage, parenting, and your nervous system.

Here are a few memorable lines:

  • “Be the thermostat, not the thermometer.”

  • “Don’t fight for control; fight for calm.”

  • “Do not try to solve problems when you’re dysregulated.”

  • “You can’t connect when you’re dysregulated.”

  • “What if words came last and presence came first?”

  • “What would happen if we cut our words in half and doubled our hugs?”

  • “Instead of ‘What do you want me to do?,’ say, ‘Here’s what I’m going to do—unless you want something different.’”

  • “Now’s not the time to deal with the issue; now’s the time to deal with the nervous system.”

  • “Before you solve the problem, solve the physiology.”

  • “It’s not your spouse’s job to regulate you—co-regulate, don’t parent.”

In your hardest moments, which do you tend to do more?

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A Practical Change:

Here’s a simple change to make when your spouse feels overwhelmed. Instead of saying, “What do you want me to do?” say, “Here’s what I’m going to do, unless you want me to do something different.” This takes the pressure off your spouse from coming up with an idea while also allowing them to speak into what you are going to do.