Why Your Marriage May Lack Heart

Did you know the word often translated in the New Testament as compassion carries with it the image of one’s gut? When Jesus had compassion on someone, it wasn’t just his head saying to care or even his heart having feelings. It was something experienced in his gut.

Modern science has identified three intelligence centers within the human body—head, heart, and gut. From those centers, we process information that leads to action. All three are essential. It’s not that the head is most important, but the other is secondary. Consider how a gut feeling that something isn’t right can save your life long before your head can process the information it receives. Likewise, the head and the heart can understand things the gut would never perceive. They all matter.

While all three are necessary, we lead with one over the other. While everyone experiences all three, there is one that we each pick up first, and the other two are secondary in how we process information.

Consider Jenny and me. She leads with the gut; I lead with the head. When healthy, we naturally bring two of the three centers of intelligence. Her instinct can remind me that there is information beyond outside studies, books, and lessons from experts. At the same time, my understanding can balance her sense of individual insight that may be void of outside information. When healthy, we benefit each other.

But we still lack one thing…heart. It’s not that neither of us have heart; we do. It’s that neither of us lead first with heart. We have to intentionally invite heart into the conversation. When we do, we will live and act via information from all three intelligence centers.

However, when we fail to recognize our natural tendencies, we can:

1. Operate without ever considering the heart.

2. Not appreciate the differences between one another and have my head fighting against her gut without either of us considering heart.

Neither is a good way to live, act, or make decisions.

But until we recognize our natural propensities, we will continue to operate, never recognizing what we are missing or how to make better choices.

So, what are you missing? At the minimum, you are missing at least one center of intelligence within your relationship. For some, it’s two. The number doesn’t matter. What matters is recognizing what you’ve got and inviting in the other areas to ensure you live with heart, head, and gut.

If you want to know more and want to identify which you naturally lead with, listen to this week’s episode of Change the Odds the Podcast. Blaine, Adrienne, and I talk about the design of marriage. (Apple or Spotify)

Note: this is a weighty episode. Take your time. Re-listen to the parts when necessary. We expect to have more conversations on this topic in the coming months.

If you have a question, respond to this email. I'll reply as long as all 12,000 of you don’t have a question.

Didn’t Mean to Start This Controversy

Each week, we post short clips from the podcast. They usually have anywhere from 2k-5k views. Occasionally, something strikes a nerve and gets 500k views. But rarely does something strike a nerve and get 1k comments. It’s one thing to watch but something else to comment on.

Well, the Reel below struck a nerve. Over 1k comments and a lot of passion. Here’s the thing:

1. It’s a Reel so I don’t have time to talk nuance.

2. My point was for men to think—”what do I bring to the table.”

3. The negative impression of marriage is something we need to change.

   What do you think?

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