An Overlooked Influence On Marriage

Marriage is often discussed in emotional, spiritual, and relational terms. We talk about communication, conflict, trust, expectations, and intimacy. We talk about friendship, teamwork, and romance. All of that matters. But there is another influence on marriage that is often overlooked, and when it is ignored, couples can end up fighting the wrong battles.

Sometimes what is happening in a marriage is deeply connected to what is happening in their body.

We are not brains floating through life. We are embodied people. Our hormones, energy levels, sleep patterns, chronic pain, physical exhaustion, stress responses, aging, illness, and recovery all affect how we show up in a relationship. They affect patience. They affect desire. They affect emotional regulation. They affect how much margin we have for conversation, conflict, affection, and connection.

That means the physical realities of life can shape every role of marriage.

They shape friendship. It is harder to be emotionally present when your body is worn down, when you are not sleeping well, or when your mind feels foggy. A couple can begin to feel distant, not because they no longer care, but because one or both people are running on empty.

They shape partnership. Every marriage requires shared work. There are meals to make, bills to pay, children to raise, schedules to manage, laundry to fold, and endless details to carry. But physical changes often alter what a person can do, how much energy they have, and what feels overwhelming. If a couple does not recognize this, they can misread fatigue as laziness, stress as indifference, or limitation as selfishness.

They shape love and intimacy. Physical discomfort, hormonal shifts, body-image struggles, pain, and exhaustion can all affect sexual desire and responsiveness. When couples do not understand this, they often personalize what should be understood with compassion. One spouse feels rejected. The other feels pressured. And both start drawing conclusions that are not true.

This is one reason seasons of life matter so much. Every season impacts marriage:

• Pregnancy

• Postpartum

• Raising toddlers

• Being an Uber for your kids

• Caring for teenagers

• Chronic illness

• Grief

• Aging

• Perimenopause

• Stressful work season

None of these realities excuse sin, cruelty, or neglect. But they do remind us that wisdom requires paying attention to the whole person.

Too many couples suffer not because they lack love, but because they lack understanding. (Unsure of when to suggest something to your spouse? Consider Stay In Your Lane)

Ignorance turns physical realities into relational accusations. Wisdom helps us slow down and ask better questions. What is happening here? What has changed? Is this emotional, relational, physical, or some combination of all three? What support is needed? What conversation have we avoided? What practical step would actually help?

Sometimes the next right step is a doctor’s appointment. Sometimes it is better sleep, a change in rhythm, or asking for help. Sometimes it is learning how to talk about what is happening without shame, blame, or defensiveness. Sometimes it is simply realizing that your spouse is not your enemy and your body is carrying more than either of you knew.

In Friends, Partners, and Lovers, I write about the three basic roles of marriage. We must build friendship, learn partnership, and nurture intimacy. But every one of those roles is lived out in real bodies, in real seasons, under real pressures. If we do not take the physical side of life seriously, we will often misunderstand what is happening between us.

A wise couple pays attention. A healthy couple gets curious. A strong couple refuses to let ignorance quietly damage the relationship.

The goal is not to fear every change. The goal is to face each season with honesty, compassion, and practical wisdom. When we do that, we do not just survive the changes of life. We learn how to love each other well through them.

A Prerequisite Before Marriage Counseling

Whenever I meet with a couple that’s in distress, I always encourage them to do one thing that they’ve never considered…get a physical.

They are often surprised when I ask, early in the conversation, when did you have your last physical. Normally, the wife mentions her last gynecologist appointment and the husband thinks back to a physical he had in high school athletics. Ha.

So I encourage them both to set up a actual physical. Why? Is it because their bodies are forcing them to make bad decisions in marriage? Of course not. But it is because there are often physical things happening which have a negative impact on the relationship. We have to rule out the physical before we can get to work on anything else.

So if you love your spouse and think highly of the institution of marriage, call your doctor. Set up a physical. It could actually make your marriage better.