How to Move Your Marriage Forward

The three-step process of Designing the Marriage You Want begins with two philosophical steps. Identifying where you want to go and the current condition of your marriage are vital steps but require no change. They are processes that occur in our heads. The third step is where the action begins. (To review the previous steps, go HERE, HERE, and HERE)

The Goal of Designing the Marriage You Want

Couples feel empowered when they recognize they control their marriages far more than they control anything else. Rather than feeling stuck in a relationship or tossed by whatever circumstances might come their way, they realize that they ultimately determine their fate. While much of life is beyond our control, the condition of our marriage is entirely on us.

And this is good news.

We don’t have to depend on others for relational happiness. As long as both partners are willing to do the work, there is no limit to what we can become. Marriages only fail when one or both parties refuse to do what is necessary to experience success.

Exercise Agency

What couples need to embrace is agency over their marriage. Rather than leaving their relationship to chance, they take ownership and steer their connection to where they want it to go.

Agency is characterized by four traits—intention, planning, reflection, and change. By engaging in these behaviors, we take charge of our relationship. Couples who ignore these characteristics leave their relationship to chance. Those who live by these ideals determine their outcome.

• Intention. Rather than continually reacting, we can use intention to choose our next step. Looking past what immediately feels good or what current course we are on, couples can direct their energy in the way they intend.

• Planning. We can use our experience, understanding, and resources to produce a plan that will likely lead to better results. In every other aspect of our lives, we plan. Yet when it comes to relationships, we often ignore this simple step.

• Reflection. We can look back to determine if we are making the desired progress. If we are, we can continue forward. If we are not, we can use reflection to weigh our current plans and make better ones.

• Change. We are never stuck. A key component of being human is our ability to change. If something doesn’t work, we can pick another path. If we experience unintended consequences, we can stop doing what we initially chose. At every moment, we can change what we are doing.

These four traits, when combined, create a pathway for us to experience the marriage we want. Without any one of them, we will be hindered from the desired outcome, but with them, we can execute the design we desire.

Develop Community

One of the most overlooked aspects of creating change in marriage is the need for community. Humanity rarely changes by itself. We need others. While our spouse is a key component, we often need more community than just each other.

We need couples who walk alongside us. These are peer relationships that struggle just like we do. They remind us that we are not alone. The key to strong peer friendships is not people who have marriage figured out but people who are committed to marriage. Few things can destroy our resolve as quickly as friends who undermine the importance of marriage.

We need couples who inspire us. Who are a husband and wife a step or two further down the road than you that inspire you to stick with it? We need voices that can speak into our relationship with the authority of their own experience who encourage us to do the work.

We need couples that we are encouraging. It challenges us to do our own work if we know others are looking to us as an example for their marriage. Even as others are giving to us, we need to be giving to others as well.

Digest Content

Growth happens at the intersection of community and content. Without meaningful content, we will not interact with the ideas needed for meaningful change to take place. Left to our own devices, we don’t truly know what we need to do to succeed.

Thankfully, there is a plethora of content out there. There has never been a day in which what it takes to make a marriage work has been so researched, developed, and accessible as it is today. There is no excuse for a couple when it comes to the area of content. It simply requires that we do the work. (Don’t know where to start regarding marriage content, start HERE)

Never Stop Designing

Designing the marriage you want isn’t a one-time experience; it’s a never-ending process regarding marriage. At no point can a couple assume that they have arrived. And they should never believe that marriage cannot get even better.

While there may be seasons of more intensity in the design process—consider the beginning of marriage, becoming parents, trying to figure out an empty nest, etc.—at no point is the process complete.

Instead, we should lean into the never-ending nature of developing our marriage. By doing so, we will always look for ways to improve and continually expect change to occur. This brings peace even amid uncertainty and expectation, even in difficult seasons.

Begin Today

While it's important to engage in the first two steps of designing the marriage you want—identifying where you want to go and discovering where you currently are—none of that matters unless you begin to take concrete steps toward the desired goal.

Some people get overwhelmed because of the gap between the two locations, but don’t be. Instead, just start walking in the direction you need to go. Most couples are shocked at the great results which can come from just a little consistent work on their marriage.

It all begins with intention. Here are seven intentional steps you can take right now to start designing the marriage you want.

Subscribe to Premium Membership to read the rest.