The Drift No One Warns You About

When Jenny and I were dating, we held hands all the time. It was a natural action to reach for her hand as we walked, sat beside each other, or were anywhere within reach of one another. Then one day, I recognized how rarely I held her hand. And I realized the reason why.

Ella.

Jenny and I held hands regularly until Ella was born. Then we didn’t. It wasn’t that we fell out of love. It was the practical nature of one of us had to carry Ella in her carrier. The hand that used to hold Jenny’s now swung Ella in her carrier as we walked along. Then, as Ella began to walk, we held her hand as she was between us. Soon after, Silas followed the same pattern until one day Silas was too big to want to hold our hands. (“It’s okay Daddy, he’s just trying to be somebody is what Ella told me the last time Silas let go of my hand as we approached the school playground. “Aren't we all,” I thought.)

So ten years after holding Jenny’s hand, I stopped holding my children's hands by there own choice, but I never intentionally went back to holding Jenny’s hand. No villians. No ill-intention. But just a lack of intention that caused a physical drift neither one wanted.

That’s how most marriages drift.

Not through betrayal or explosions. But through distraction.

Recently on Change the Odds, Blaine and Adrienne interviewed Taylor and Chloe Gall. They talked about grief, parenting four young boys, exhaustion, ambition, surrender, and seasons that stretch a marriage thin. But what struck me most was something simple Chloe said: “When’s the last time we asked, ‘How’s your heart?’”

That question exposes drift.

Most couples don’t stop loving each other. They stop being curious about each other. They become partners in logistics instead of friends of the soul. They manage life well but neglect the inner life.

And drift is subtle. It doesn’t announce itself. It simply replaces what was once natural with what is now necessary.

In Friends, Partners & Lovers, I argue that friendship is the foundation of everything else. Partners coordinate. Lovers connect physically. But friends stay interested. Friends ask questions. Friends reach for each other’s hands again when the season changes.

The tragedy isn’t that kids need holding. The tragedy is when the kids stop needing it and the couple never re-learns how to reach back for each other.

No villains. No ill intention. Just drift.

The good news? Drift can be reversed the same way it started, through small, intentional actions. Ask the question. Put the phone down. Pray together even when it feels awkward. Take a walk. Reach for her hand.

You don’t need a dramatic overhaul. You need renewed intention.

If this resonates, listen to the latest podcast episode. I think it will remind you that strong marriages aren’t built in big moments. They’re built in quiet decisions to stay close.

Let me ask you something:

When’s the last time you reached for your spouse’s hand, literally or emotionally?

Thank you for letting me enter your email inbox each week. If I can be of any assistance to you or your family, please don’t hesitate to respond to this message.

Blessings

Kevin