The Real Problem Isn't What You Think

Before we get started, everywhere I turn people are talking about LoveStyles.AI. Last night a therpaist asked me how her clients could access it. Today I showed it to a couple as a tool they can use in their desire to grow closer.

Do this, go to LoveStyles.AI and ask it one of these questions:

Why do I occasionally shutdown during arguments and how can I stop it from hurting my relationships?

OR

I tend to get fired up during conflict—I push harder and say things I later regret. How do I stay grounded so I don’t make things worse?

Whichever question more closely connects with you, ask it and see if the conversation that follows is helpful.

The Real Problem Isn’t What You Think

Most couples think they know what’s wrong in their relationship.

They think it’s communication. Or stress. Or how busy life has become. And while those things matter, they’re usually not the real issue.

Consider this:

Most of us are trying to fix our relationships using the wrong thermostat.

Let me explain. (Click HERE for this week’s podcast.)

Imagine walking into a room that feels too cold. So you go over to the thermostat, turn it up, and nothing happens. You try again. Still nothing. Eventually, you realize, you’ve been adjusting a thermostat that isn’t even connected to the room you’re in.

That’s what a lot of us are doing in our relationships.

We’re trying to fix what’s happening right now—tone of voice, words we use, how often we talk—but the real system driving our reactions was set years ago. Long before this relationship ever started.

Which is why you can have the same fight over and over again, just with different details.

And it’s also why this next line matters so much:

Non-secure patterns try to prevent pain, but often create the very thing they’re trying to avoid.

Think about that.

If you tend to get anxious in relationships, you might ask for more reassurance, check in more often, or push for clarity. But that pressure can feel overwhelming to the other person, so they pull back. And now the very thing you feared (distance or disconnection) is happening.

If you tend to avoid conflict, you might shut down, keep things to yourself, or try to “not make it a big deal.” But over time, that lack of engagement creates distance. And again, the very thing you were trying to prevent becomes reality.

This is why so many couples feel stuck.

They’re not crazy or broken. They’re just using the wrong thermostat.

In this week’s episode of Change the Odds, I walk through how attachment patterns shape the way we love. And how those patterns were formed long before we had any say in them. Once you begin to see it, everything starts to make more sense: your reactions, your triggers, even the patterns in your marriage.

But more importantly, you begin to see a way forward.

Because you are not stuck with the patterns you were given.

If you want to take a first step, I’d encourage you to join the 15,000 people who taken the free Love Styles Assessment. It’s quick, but it will help you start identifying your default patterns, especially when you’re stressed or disconnected.

And if you want to go deeper, Love Styles will walk you through how those patterns were formed and, more importantly, how they can change.

You don’t have to keep repeating the same cycles.

You don’t have to keep having the same conversations that go nowhere.

You just need to understand what’s really driving them.

Start there.

Listen to the episode, take the assessment, and begin to see your relationships with new clarity.

Let’s change the odds.

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