Understand Why You Frustrate People

I’m wrapping up the final edits of a book project I’m excited to share with you. In the coming weeks, I’ll tell you about my new book, Stay In Your Lane. It’s the first book I’ve written that was Jenny’s idea rather than mine. For many years she has encouraged me to get this idea into print form so others can use it.

The writing process is always busy, especially the final days before a manuscript goes to print. Whenever I say I’m doing the final edits, it means I’m continually looking at the book and finding about ten new mistakes every time. Despite this process, nearly every book in print has typos, misspellings, or other mistakes.

As we went through the editing process, I noticed something about myself. My language is passive. Instead of giving clear directions, I make suggestions, give opinions, and leave room for discussion. While this approach is fine in certain settings, it can be unhelpful in others.

Here is what happened. I write a book in Word, and then the graphic designer lays it out in traditional book form. When I receive that copy, I give directives back to the designer. Notice some of my directions:

• Delete?

• Could we move the chart to another page?

• Move to another section

• This isn’t my favorite

Consider these instructions. Do I want the item deleted or not? Of course, a chart can be moved. Do I want it moved, and to where? What does “this isn’t my favorite” even mean?

Compare the previous instructions with these:

• Delete

• Move to pg. 34

• Move to pg 73

• Delete the headline, and replace with “This Is What You Should Say”

If you are the graphic designer, which set of directions are more clear and actionable? While the second set could quickly be accomplished, the first set require interpretation, further conversation, and leave the designer uncertain of how to move forward.

The first set would frustrate; the second set would empower.

Yet why do I give the first set? Why am I hesitant to give clear and concise instructions to someone who is trying to assist me? The last thing I want to do is frustrate someone. Instead, my hesitant instructions are an attempt to be soft and open-minded and allow the other person to be a part of the process. However, they have the opposite effect.

The edits are an example of passive communication. And passive communication is often a byproduct of anxious attachment. It’s my insecurity that is leading to unclear directions. It’s my insecurity that could potentially lead to frustration in others. (See: Why You Struggle to Communicate in Marriage)

Thankfully, the designer was kind enough to say, “I’m happy to do whatever you want. I need you to tell me clearly what it is you desire.” He told me that my “kind” corrections weren’t that kind. My actions were leading to the very thing I was trying to avoid. What he needed was for me to communicate assertively.

When others are frustrated with us, it doesn’t guarantee that we are at fault. However, paying attention to the frustration of others can often reveal our own weaknesses and struggles. Reading them can give us insight about us.

Too often in marriage, we focus on our spouse's actions rather than considering how our actions might play a role in what is happening. I’m not saying we should blame ourselves for our spouse's immoral or improper actions. However, when tensions rise or frustrations exist, it is far to ask:

• Am I clearly communicating without being apathetic or aggressive?

• Have I identified my own needs?

• Am I asking my partner to interpret my words or inner thoughts?

• Am I placing them in an unfair position?

These are behaviors would lead to frustration. If I want to please Jenny, but she hasn’t clearly communicate what she desires, I have very little chance to do what I want to do. This would be frustrating. If Jenny wants to meet my need, but I haven’t done the work to determine those needs, she has no chance and would rightly be frustrated.

Many tensions in marriage are byproducts of poor communication, but the poor communication is just a symptom of a deeper issue. Having not formed secure connections, we communicate from a non-secure base. Any communication that comes from a non-secure base will be ineffective and frustrating both for the speaker and the listener.

The good news is that our frustrations can act as mirrors. I’ve written at length about forming stronger attachments and have done the work to look at my past at which patterns of non-secure attachments I fall into. Yet, at times, I still act in old ways. Rather than assertively communicating my needs to those who love me, I passively speak, hoping they will figure it out.

This is a failure to love others well. If I truly want to love those around me, I need to do my own work of identifying my needs and assertively (not aggressively or apathetically) communicating them to others. If I fail to do so, they will be frustrated with me (and I with them).

Pay attention to the frustration and see if it might be revealing some of your own insecurity. Then use that to do the work you need to love others better.