What You Do Is the Marriage You Get

Many couples want great marriages. They dream of deep connection, shared laughter, and a bond that grows stronger over time. But wanting a good marriage isn’t enough. It’s not your intentions that shape your relationship; it’s your actions.

A couple may say they value closeness, but if they spend every evening in separate rooms watching different shows, scrolling different screens, and ignoring one another, disconnection becomes their default. They didn’t mean to drift apart—it just happened one decision at a time. The marriage they want is undermined by the habits they live.

Marriage is built in the small, repeated choices of daily life.

• Do you reach for your spouse's hand when you walk down the street?

• Do you pause long enough to ask real questions and wait for real answers?

• Do you share burdens and make time for fun?

These aren’t grand gestures; they are simple acts of connection. But over time, they are the difference between a relationship that thrives and one that withers.

Good marriages don’t just happen. They’re cultivated. And that cultivation requires intentional, relational investment—especially in the mundane moments when it’s easier to zone out, withdraw, or default to isolation. It’s in these choices that your true priorities are revealed.

Many couples fall into a trap: they hope things will improve, they plan to connect more later, and they assume love will carry them through. But love without attention erodes. Without action, intention is just a wish.

If you want a connected, meaningful, joy-filled marriage, then live like it. Sit together instead of apart. Ask better questions. Put down your phone. Go for walks. Laugh at the same show. Read the same book. Eat at the same table. Touch. Hug. Kiss.

You don’t drift into intimacy. You build it.

The good news? Change begins with one small choice. Tonight, don’t retreat. Move toward each other. The marriage you have tomorrow will reflect the habits you practice today.

This week on the Podcast, we revisit a talk I gave last year on differences in marriage. It’s a topic I’ve spent a lot of time studying over the past few months as I write my next book. As you travel over the holiday weekend, listen to this talk and discuss with your spouse what differences you can better leverage for the well-being of your relationship.

Here’s a quick glance at my speaking schedule the next two months. Join me in person or online:

• July 5-6: Shelter Cover Community Church Modesto, CA

• July 19-20: Bayside Granite Bay

• July 27: Bayside Adventure

• August 1: Date Night Bayside Granite Bay

• August 2-3: Bayside Granite Bay

• August 4-5: Family Life Orlando, FL

• August 10: Bayside Blue Oaks

• August 15: Marriage One Night, Grace Church Reno, NV

• August 24: Bayside Folsom

One of my favorite things is anytime a counselor messages me and says, “I just recommended your book.” Stay In Your Lane continues to make a meaningful difference in the lives of people. Who is someone you could send the book to?